In order to be able to convince the others in working or in a discussion, you need to know how to listen better than speaking. When we focus on speaking in our relations with the others, we actually block bilateral communication. Because in bilateral relations, our message must be sent to the other one and we must receive their message. If we set the next message according to the received message, we can greatly get the effective communication and bring the others to ourselves.
How can we convince the others in a discussion?
Many people do not really understand their purpose for having a discussion. In general, you can have two models in a discussion with the others. The first step is to try to express all your points of view to the other one. In this case, the discussion usually does not come to a conclusion, and even the two sides may continually interrupt each other. In fact, in this case, they are fighting together instead of communicating with each other.
In the second case, the goal is not to expressing the points of view. But the goal is bringing the others to ourselves. In order to do this, we need to listen more than talk. With proper listening, we can fully understand the position of the other one. Then, instead of declaring our positions, we need to adjust our words according to the other one’s words so we can bring him to ourselves.
Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology and father of psychotherapy, says: The real connection is created when we listen well to the other ones’ words.
So if you like to bring the others to yourself and convince them (your spouse, colleague, partner, friends, etc…, you can get along with them and convince them, try not to force them accept your comments. Instead, you should try to listen to his words carefully. In the following, we introduce two practical methods for listening properly.
The first way to listen properly: a dynamic listening
The meaning of dynamic listening is to see, feel and hear like the audience. In order to convince the others or attract them, we must pass through the words’ borders. In fact, the audience’s words are not important for us but the feelings behind the words are important. Because we need to influence their feelings in order to convince them.
So listening properly means that we can see the issue like the other one, we can understand his feeling about our words and can listen like our audience. If we can reach such a relation with the other one, we have come to a state where they say sympathetic understanding. When the other one feels you can understand him, he will unconsciously accompanies you to a great deal, even before you try to convince him.
If we want to talk more scientifically, in dynamic listening that leads to sympathetic understanding, we should put ourselves in the other ones situation and see how our sent message is received through the person’s triple preferred channel. In fact, by doing this, we discover our audience’s preferred channels functions, then we can talk in accordance to the audience’s preferred channels and have the most effect on them.
Sometimes, with dynamic listening, we cannot pass through the other one’s words borders and come to the feelings and thoughts behind the words. This is where the other method should be used.
The second way to listen properly: asking questions
As we said, listening properly means getting the thoughts and feelings behind the words. So, if the other one spoke and we could not understand something special, we can ask a question. The questions that make our audience explain more about the story. But we should be careful in asking questions. Because we can destroy the created relationship easily by asking the questions wrongly.
The worst model of asking question
The important point in asking the question is that you should be careful not to use “why” to ask a question. When you use the word “why” you unconsciously make the other one be in a defensive position. The worst is using just ‘’why’’ alone. For example, your friend says: “I think your decision is wrong.” Now, if you want to ask the reason with the word ‘’why’’, you can ask your questions in two types. Of course, both types are wrong. But the first type is worse.
In the first type, when your friend says, “I think your decision is wrong.” You can say: “Why?” You can ask your question shortly. In the second type you can say, “Why do you think it’s wrong?” It means that do not finish your question with why. The first type is worse because you are saying very hard that your friend’s words are not correct and its negative effect is more and worse.
What is the right way to ask questions?
When we use the word “why”, we are sending this message: “I think you are wrong, if you think it’s true, give me a reason.” In fact, there is a message that makes the other one be in the defensive position. The correct way to ask the question is to show that we are looking for an answer.
In the above example, we can ask a question like this: “Do you think that which part of my decision is wrong?” Or “What makes you think that my decision is wrong?” You send this message with these kinds of questions: “I want you to make your idea clearer for me. ‘’
We hope since today, you try to use the two methods described above, and then strengthen your listening as a skill in yourself in order to have a better relationships with the others, and then achieve a way to succeed.